Brian Gongol
- Strom Thurmond's Inexplicable Longevity
U.S. Senate President Pro Tempore Strom Thurmond was a teacher, an attorney, and a circuit judge before becoming a U.S. Senator. Oh, yeah: he landed at Normandy, too. What's this guy eating for breakfast? I'm no fan of term limits, but isn't South Carolina taking this joke just a little too far? In fact, Thurmond was commissioned in the Army five months before George Bush was born -- the elder one, that is. He couldn't do much to celebrate, though: Prohibition was still in effect. (1.21.2001)
- Theodore Roosevelt
Why is Theodore Roosevelt truly a legendary figure? Because he was shot in the chest at a campaign stop -- but gave his speech anyway. (1.21.2001)
- Free Time in America
Someone actually undertook to put Twinkies to a purported radiation test. Not to be outdone, someone else put one to a longevity test and a 120-foot drop test. Oddly, other people seem to be copying the same results and taking credit for them. Were this not odd enough, others have applied liquid nitrogen to the same snack cakes. Who does these kinds of things? The same people who hold Hostess-themed weddings. Frighteningly, there really have been recalls of Twinkies and other Hostess products before, due to asbestos contamination. (1.22.2001)
- Soap Operas That Never Die
According to Hoover's, Procter and Gamble is the largest producer of household goods in the U.S. Apparently, they remain true to their namesake television programs (soap operas), producing Guiding Light and As the World Turns. Guiding Light has apparently been relentlessly beamed into households longer than any other show -- first on radio, now on television. (1.23.2001)
- In the Event of a Water Landing
The Jan. 31 edition of The Onion includes a spoof of a man taking exit-row responsibilities too seriously. In case you're flying soon, a list of exit-row seats by airline is produced by Corporate Travel Safety. Tall people will appreciate the efforts of the Tall Club of New York City (it's selective), which lists tricks for tall passengers on airliners. The International Airline Passengers Association (not to be confused with the Air Line Pilots Association) says American Airlines took seats out of many of its planes to make economy class more comfortable. Of course, it's probably worse to be a pilot on duty for 16 hours straight. (1.31.2001)
- I'd Like Fries with That
What's the difference between burgers at Burger King and McDonald's? Maybe it's sesame seeds. Seriously. Burger King's burgers have seeds on all their buns, but McDonald's doesn't add them until the Quarter Pounder. Cheapskates. If the ingredients alone don't frighten you, maybe the Burger King Therapy Center will. Don't worry: McDonald's workers are disgruntled, too. (1.31.2001)
- O Canada
The Montreal Canadiens are now owned by an American. Might've made a difference that no Canadian made an offer. I presume they'll still play at Molson Centre (where the beer isn't half bad, either). Of course, some Canadians are still planning to take over the world nonetheless. (1.31.2001)
