The Real US Citizenship Exam
Brian Gongol

Everyone knows that the Federal government requires citizenship applicants to take a written exam which contains some questions that native-born Americans might get wrong. What the Feds don't tell you is that there's a second, secret exam you must pass as well, to prove you're not a member of a terrorist sleeper cell. We have obtained a copy of that exam:

  1. Provide a cell-phone video or audio recording of the last time you sang "Don't Stop Believing" or "Living on a Prayer" at an outdoor music festival or during a karaoke night. You must attempt to hit all high notes.

  2. Name at least one, but no more than three, organizations which you believe are secretly out to violate your privacy and/or civil liberties (eg., Google, Microsoft, the phone company, your health-insurance company).

  3. For how many days before and after April 15th do you complain about your taxes?

  4. Furnish your examiner with at least two photographs documenting your most recent nap on a couch, sofa, or love seat.

  5. Identify your primary choice of mainstream domestic beer (Budweiser, Coors, Miller, or any of their light counterparts), and why you can't stand one of the others. Next, name your "crappy" domestic beer of choice.

  6. After how many strikes is a batter out?

  7. Tell one joke about Canada.

  8. Name no fewer than five food items which are made better by the addition of bacon.